I decided that enough was enough and got help.  I started in therapy with my son 4 months ago.  His grades had dropped and I could feel his depression like a thick cloud.  I knew if I didn’t do something he could end up hurting himself.  We found a wonderful counselor. We started going every week.  After about 2 months, she suggested I get my own counselor, which I did.  In turn she suggested that I start attending al-anon meetings, which I have.

Its been 3 weeks, and things are better and things are worse. My husbands drinking is gotten more destructive and sever. He is sloppy drunk nearly every night. He is hiding his drinking, so he waits till we are in bed, of course, he is then roaring drunk in the middle of the night. He climbs into bed and passes out in my kids beds, who in turn wake up and come to my room, then eventually he wakes up and comes to bed, and wakes the kids up again. This has become a cycle at least 2 times a week. Last night he was nuts.  He was screaming and yelling about things that didn’t even make sense. Last night he woke the whole house up. My 12 year old was having a sleep over, so it was very embarrassing for myself and my son. I haven’t slept all week because of my husband. I am exhausted and at my wits end.

In al-anon, I am learning about setting bounderies.  I have had enough, so I told my husband get help or get out.  I am giving him 5 days to have a recovery plan in place or he is out.  Lets see what happens…

I love super bowl sunday.  Its one of my favorite days of the year.  I love visiting with friends, watching the game, socializing, and all the great bar food.  I have either hosted a party or attended on for the last 20 years, probably longer, but I can’t remember that far back.  The last 2 years have been agonizing.  For the last 2 years my next door neighbors have had a party in which the entire neighborhood is invited.  Everyone, that is except us.  Whats worse, is they are the parents of my sons best friend, who is at our house constantly.  I guess we are good enough to watch their child, but not attend a party.

For me, it breaks my heart to see my kids hurt.  They want to know why they can see and hear all of their friends but can’t attend.  It has made me feel incredibly hurt and isolated.  We use to be invited to the neighborhood functions, but we are no longer invited.  I think it is a 2 fold problem. None of the men in my neighborhood like my husband.  He is condescending and negative. They all play golf, he mocks them.  I’ve begged him to just try and play for the sake of our kids, but he says he doesn’t care if anyone likes him.  Of course he also does not care if it hurts me or our kids. I get hurting me, but I really don’t understand how when my kids are on our balcony staring at the kids at the party, how is heart could not be breaking.

His drinking is also a problem, because when he drinks he acts like a jerk, and that makes everyone like him even less.  Of course the last couple years have taken their toll on me, and I fear that my bad disposition/attitude has not helped.  I find that I have become negative like my husband.  I feel beaten down.  I have been told a million times what a worthless piece of crap I am, in a million different ways, how could I feel any differently about myself?  Not being a happy nice person does not make a good friend, so most of my firends have stepped out of my life, or I have let them go. This of course only leaves me more alone, which then makes me feels worse.  It is a vicious cycle!

I have made a vow, next year will be better.  Next year I will attend an amazing party filled with new friends, in my new life as a single women!